Turns Out, I Don't Know How to Relax
Photo by Pixabay
Well, she’s still in there, taking her sweet time, so here’s another blog post.
While I had every intention of writing a post for last Wednesday, I was in the throes of finishing up all of my tasks at work so I could break for my maternity leave without any lingering responsibilities.
And then, the second my maternity leave began, I got really, really sick—like so sick I couldn’t talk because my cold turned into laryngitis.
But still! That didn’t stop me from trying to be productive! My parents had taken our son for the weekend after all and weekends with my son away are usually opportunities for me to go on high-power overdrive. Not to mention, I was in peak nesting mode and still had a long to-do list of tasks before the baby arrived: install the car seat, wash and dry the infant bathtub, make a Costco run, and of course, produce the October “Ask Me Anything” video I promised I would get out to all of you.
But as I pressed pause during a shooting of an “Ask Me Anything” video to blow my nose, cough, and drink some tea to refresh my voice, my husband walked into the kitchen and asked with shock, “What are you doing?!” It should have been pretty clear what I was doing. “This is my chance to get everything done while our son is gone for the weekend and while we’re still waiting for the baby to arrive!” To which he responded, “Um…maybe you should just rest and relax.”
Looking back, his words were so sensible. In that moment though, I thought him crazy. Probably crazy in the same way he thought me crazy.
After a few more futile minutes of shooting the video but feeling like sh*t, I did end up taking his advice, turned off the camera, put my to-do list aside and asked myself a question I don’t think I’ve asked myself in…gosh, I don’t even know when the last time I asked myself this question was: “What would be really restful and restorative for you right now?”
Restful and restorative? I was stumped. The use of my time is usually dictated by the question, “How can I make the most of my time right now?”
Like most Americans, I have been instilled with a strong belief that our worth and value are tied up with our productivity and success. I thought I had untangled myself from this myth but it turns out I had only untangled it intellectually. I teach others that God loves us and values us infinitely no matter what. There are some lessons I need to learn over and over again.
My parents did, of course, return our son on Sunday afternoon. But because we have the luxury of daycare during the weekdays and now that I’m officially on maternity leave, I have resolved to just let myself relax. Funnily enough, it’s not easy and I find I really have to try and remind myself.
Whenever I feel the impulse to cross this and that off my long to-do list, I remind myself to receive this time as a gift, instead of a test. I’m happy to report that the past few days have been filled with many delicious chick-lits by Jane Green, Zadie Smith’s newest novel, and the Modern Love series. I have been loving every single one of these and have been weeping through the Modern Love episodes (my pregnancy hormones are probably contributing to this). I admit I was incredibly skeptical of the idea of turning those essays into TV episodes but they are so well done! And of course, I’m writing this blog post now because it didn’t feel like work to me. It felt like restorative fun.
All that said though, I probably won’t complete the “Ask Me Anything” video this month. I will definitely release one next month for sure. I got such great questions so I’m really excited to answer them once I feel more recovered.
And…I’ll keep you all posted on that baby girl who’s supposed to come out any day now.