What I Used to Hate, I Now Love. What I Used to Love, I Now Hate.
Speaking of turning and change, I picked up my watercolors again after 6 years of letting my brushes and palette collect dust.
October, the month of the turning. The turning of the seasons, the turning of the leaves, the turning of the light moving its way into the darkness.
Nothing is ever static and the only constant in our lives is change.
October began with a lot of traveling for me. I was invited to be the keynote speaker at a youth conference in New Jersey and had the most inspiring time with them. Afterwards, I hopped over to New York to visit one of my best friends and a few relatives in Brooklyn. I took long walks all over the city, spent time in independent bookstores, and sipped on overpriced, delicious coffee. I was away from my kids for a total of six days—the longest I’ve ever been away from them. Thank goodness for my in-laws who flew out to help my husband because he was working on a big book project (he’s a freelance copy editor so if you or your company is looking for a sharp one, he’s your guy!).
After those six days, I was oh so ready to return to my family and have been spending time with my kids nonstop. Last night, after putting the kids to bed, my husband and I talked like we normally do at that hour and he said, “I’ve noticed you’re a lot happier with the kids even when you’ve been with them for long stretches of time by yourself.”
He was so right! Usually, my husband and I rotate pick-ups and caring for them after school. But since he’s been working on a deadline, I’ve been doing double duty. When I’ve had to do this in the past, I’d get so cranky (and everybody around me could sense it by one look at my face). The magnitude of labor (my day job combined with childcare) would wipe me out so hard.
But now, I feel as if I can be with my kids forever. Going from my full-time church work right to pick-ups and everything that follows afterwards like snacks, clean-up, an after school activity, etc., doesn’t tire me out like it used to. It energizes me.
“You know what?” I responded, “It’s because I’m loving the age they’re at right now!” My eldest is now 7 and my youngest is about to turn 4. And you guys, seriously, these are the most adorable ages. My youngest, because she now speaks fluently, can finally keep up with her older brother. They finally play together. They tell each other stories and crack each other up with jokes. They also follow directions really well so if I need time to myself to catch up on emails or prep diner, they keep themselves busy with activities.
This after school time with my kids, which I used to dread because the transition from work to home with the chaos, was such a shock to my nervous-system, I now love.
It got me thinking more about other areas of my life where I have turned, like the leaves. What else in my life did I used to hate that I now love?
These examples came to mind:
The mornings! I used to hate the mornings because there was so much to do in so little time: making breakfast, packing their lunches, getting them ready while at the same time, getting myself ready. Now, because of their independence and everything else about their recent development that I mentioned earlier, the mornings are fun and lovely! I even have time to do my own hair and makeup while they play and get this, dress themselves!
Going into my office. I live about twenty minutes away from the church so I used to resist going into the office during the week, preferring instead to work from my home office but recently, I’ve been loving the feeling of occupying my church office during the week when nobody’s around. I walk around the sanctuary and notice things I don’t notice on Sunday mornings. I pray, plan, and get to catch up on great podcasts and music during my commute!
This is a big one. I used to hate picking up after the kids like their toys and more generally, cleaning up after them. It was the last thing I wanted to do after a long day of work. But one day, I intentionally decided to change my perspective on the matter and decided to see picking up and cleaning up the house as exercise. That single shift of perspective has made all the difference. I’m a cleaning machine now. When I pick up their toys, I even do little squats instead of bending over to really get in a workout.
It was also fun and illuminating to ask myself the opposite question: What did I used to love that I now hate?
I used to love eating lots of sugary foods: cookies, cakes, donuts! It was a challenge not to eat a dessert after every meal. I’m not sure exactly when this changed (as it wasn’t an intentional choice) but now, I only need a tiny bit to feel satiated or am happy to forgo desserts altogether!
The mall. I used to love the mall—Nordstrom, Target, Barnes and Noble, shopping in general. Having children is what shifted this for me. The excess of stuff that accompanies kids has made me long for the opposite—minimalism and simplicity. If I were to wear a bumper sticker, it’d say something like “rather be hiking than shopping.”
What about you? In what areas of your life have you turned? Is it encouraging to know that nothing is ever static?
I want to switch gears now and end with a note about an issue that is pressing upon many hearts these days, the escalation of the Israeli Palestinian conflict. When I first learned about Hamas’ attack and the Israeli government’s counter-attack, and saw the heartbreaking images from those events, I felt paralyzed. I was in the midst of planning our annual celebratory Blessing of the Animals service and it felt almost wrong to do that, as if I should throw out the entire service altogether and create a service entirely focused on helping this bloody warfare unfolding before our eyes.
But then, I heard a message. That it was during times like these that it’s even more important for our inner light to shine more brightly, even more important for our joy to be shared.
And like a ripple, the joy expands outward.
In having a conversation about the Israeli Palestinian war with one of my best friends and fellow clergy colleague, she shared with me a Jewish phrase I had never heard of before: Tikkun olam, which means to repair the world. According to the tradition from which this phrase derived, it is our calling to partner with God in repairing the world.
But this repairing can feel so daunting. The world is so big and the suffering, so massive. Where do we start?
Here’s the second part of Tikkun olam: we repair the world by focusing upon what is ours to do. We merely focus on our little lot that we’ve been given. For me, that lot consists of my family, neighborhood, and church. This is the lot that I am called to bring love and healing to. And from there, from that starting point, it radiates outward.
As my favorite church song from childhood goes: “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.”
Let your little light shine.